I Believed That I Identified As a Homosexual Woman - The Music Icon Helped Me Discover the Truth

During 2011, a few years prior to the renowned David Bowie exhibition opened at the famous Victoria and Albert Museum in the UK capital, I declared myself a homosexual woman. Previously, I had exclusively dated men, with one partner I had married. By 2013, I found myself approaching middle age, a newly single caregiver to four kids, living in the US.

During this period, I had started questioning both my sense of self and romantic inclinations, seeking out answers.

I entered the world in England during the beginning of the seventies - pre-world wide web. During our youth, my friends and I were without Reddit or video sharing sites to turn to when we had curiosities about intimacy; rather, we turned toward pop stars, and in that decade, artists were challenging gender norms.

The Eurythmics singer wore male clothing, The Culture Club frontman embraced girls' clothes, and musical acts such as popular ensembles featured performers who were publicly out.

I desired his slender frame and sharp haircut, his strong features and flat chest. I aimed to personify the Bowie's Berlin period

During the nineties, I lived riding a motorbike and dressing like a tomboy, but I returned to femininity when I decided to wed. My husband transferred our home to the US in 2007, but when our relationship dissolved I felt an irresistible pull back towards the masculinity I had once given up.

Since nobody experimented with identity to the extent of David Bowie, I decided to use some leisure time during a summer trip back to the UK at the V&A, hoping that perhaps he could provide clarity.

I was uncertain specifically what I was searching for when I entered the exhibition - maybe I thought that by losing myself in the extravagance of Bowie's norm-challenging expression, I might, as a result, discover a hint about my true nature.

I soon found myself facing a modest display where the visual presentation for "Boys Keep Swinging" was continuously looping. Bowie was performing confidently in the primary position, looking stylish in a charcoal outfit, while to the side three backing singers wearing women's clothing clustered near a microphone.

Unlike the entertainers I had seen personally, these female-presenting individuals weren't sashaying around the stage with the confidence of inherent stars; conversely they looked disinterested and irritated. Placed in secondary positions, they chewed gum and rolled their eyes at the monotony of it all.

"Those words, boys always work it out," Bowie performed brightly, appearing ignorant to their reduced excitement. I felt a fleeting feeling of understanding for the accompanying performers, with their thick cosmetics, awkward hairpieces and constricting garments.

They appeared to feel as ill-at-ease as I did in women's clothes - frustrated and eager, as if they were hoping for it all to end. Precisely when I understood I connected with three male performers in feminine attire, one of them removed her wig, wiped the makeup from her face, and showed herself to be ... Bowie! Revelation. (Understandably, there were additional David Bowies as well.)

At that moment, I was absolutely sure that I wanted to shed all constraints and transform like Bowie. I craved his slender frame and his defined hairstyle, his angular jaw and his masculine torso; I sought to become the lean-figured, Bowie's German period. However I found myself incapable, because to genuinely embody Bowie, first I would need to be a man.

Coming out as gay was a separate matter, but gender transition was a considerably more daunting prospect.

I required further time before I was prepared. In the meantime, I made every effort to become more masculine: I stopped wearing makeup and eliminated all my skirts and dresses, cut off my hair and began donning men's clothes.

I sat differently, walked differently, and changed my name and pronouns, but I stopped short of medical intervention - the chance of refusal and regret had rendered me immobile with anxiety.

When the David Bowie show concluded its international run with a stint in the American metropolis, five years later, I went back. I had experienced a turning point. I was unable to continue acting to be a person I wasn't.

Facing the identical footage in 2018, I knew for certain that the challenge wasn't my clothes, it was my body. I wasn't simply a tomboy; I was a male with feminine qualities who'd been wearing drag throughout his existence. I desired to change into the man in the sharp suit, dancing in the spotlight, and at that moment I understood that I was able to.

I scheduled an appointment to see a doctor not long after. It took additional years before my transition was complete, but none of the fears I feared came true.

I maintain many of my female characteristics, so individuals frequently misidentify me for a homosexual male, but I accept this. I desired the liberty to play with gender as Bowie had - and given that I'm content with my physical form, I have that capacity.