Those Words from A Parent Which Rescued Me when I became a First-Time Father

"In my view I was simply in survival mode for the first year."

One-time Made In Chelsea personality Ryan Libbey thought he would to manage the demands of becoming a dad.

But the reality soon became "completely different" to what he pictured.

Life-threatening health issues around the birth saw his partner Louise admitted to hospital. Suddenly he was pushed into becoming her chief support while also looking after their newborn son Leo.

"I took on each nighttime feed, every nappy change… each outing. The job of both mum and dad," Ryan explained.

After nearly a year he reached burnout. That was when a conversation with his own dad, on a bench in the park, that made him realise he couldn't do it alone.

The direct words "You are not in a good spot. You need assistance. How can I assist you?" opened the door for Ryan to speak honestly, ask for help and regain his footing.

His experience is not uncommon, but infrequently talked about. Although society is now more comfortable addressing the strain on moms and about PND, far less attention is paid about the challenges new fathers face.

Seeking help isn't a weakness to ask for help

Ryan believes his struggles are part of a larger inability to talk among men, who often absorb harmful ideas of what it means to be a man.

Men, he says, frequently believe they must be "the rock that just takes the pounding and doesn't fall with each wave."

"It is not a sign of weakness to request help. I was too slow to do that quick enough," he adds.

Therapist Dr Jill Domoney, a researcher specialising in mental health surrounding childbirth, notes men frequently refuse to admit they're finding things difficult.

They can think they are "not the right person to be asking for help" - most notably in preference to a new mother and infant - but she highlights their mental health is vitally important to the household.

Ryan's conversation with his dad gave him the space to take a respite - taking a few days overseas, separate from the domestic setting, to see things clearly.

He understood he needed to make a shift to focus on his and his partner's emotional states in addition to the logistical chores of caring for a infant.

When he was honest with Louise, he discovered he'd missed "what she needed" -physical connection and listening to her.

Reparenting yourself'

That realisation has reshaped how Ryan perceives fatherhood.

He's now writing Leo weekly letters about his feelings as a dad, which he hopes his son will see as he grows up.

Ryan thinks these will enable his son better understand the vocabulary of emotional life and make sense of his decisions as a father.

The concept of "parenting yourself" is something musician Professor Green - whose name is Stephen Manderson - has also felt keenly since fathering his son Slimane, who is now four years old.

As a child Stephen did not have consistent male parenting. Despite having an "wonderful" relationship with his dad, deep-held emotional pain meant his father had difficulty managing and was "coming and going" of his life, making difficult their relationship.

Stephen says repressing emotions led him to make "poor actions" when younger to alter how he felt, finding solace in alcohol and substances as an escape from the anguish.

"You gravitate to behaviours that aren't helpful," he explains. "They can short-term modify how you feel, but they will ultimately exacerbate the problem."

Advice for Coping as a New Father

• Share with someone - if you're feeling swamped, tell a friend, your other half or a therapist what you're going through. This can to lighten the load and make you feel less isolated.
• Keep up your interests - keep doing the pursuits that made you feel like yourself before having a baby. This might be exercising, seeing friends or gaming.
• Pay attention to the physical health - eating well, staying active and where possible, sleep, all are important in how your mental state is faring.
• Connect with other parents in the same boat - hearing about their journeys, the messy ones, and also the joys, can help to normalise how you're feeling.
• Understand that asking for help is not failure - looking after you is the optimal method you can support your family.

When his father eventually died by suicide, Stephen understandably had difficulty processing the loss, having not spoken to him for years.

As a dad now, Stephen's resolved not to "continue the chain" with his boy and instead give the security and nurturing he lacked.

When his son starts to have a tantrum, for example, they practise "releasing the emotion" together - processing the frustrations safely.

Both Ryan and Stephen explain they have become improved and more well-rounded men since they faced their struggles, transformed how they express themselves, and learned to control themselves for their sons.

"I'm better… processing things and managing things," explains Stephen.

"I wrote that in a letter to Leo the other week," Ryan shares. "I expressed, at times I think my job is to guide and direct you how to behave, but the truth is, it's a dialogue. I am discovering just as much as you are in this journey."